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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30109599">Baby-Monitor Protocol</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearethewitches/pseuds/wearethewitches'>wearethewitches</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adults, Crack, Funny, Gen, LITERALLY, Secret Children</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:14:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>803</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30109599</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearethewitches/pseuds/wearethewitches</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony whimpers. ‘He’s a <em>baby</em>.’</p><p>‘He’ll resent that comment.’</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bruce Banner &amp; Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Baby-Monitor Protocol</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Bruce comes stumbling into the lab, for a moment, Tony thinks that something horrible has happened. Flicking off the blow-torch in hand, Tony flicks up his face-shield to quickly observe the wide-eyed Dr Robert Bruce Banner in the doorway, turning in his seat.</p><p>‘What?’ he asks, dreading the reply.</p><p>Bruce stares into his eyes, then says the <em>weirdest</em> shit. ‘We’re the only adults on the team.’</p><p>…what?</p><p>‘What?’ Tony repeats aloud, for posterity. Bruce staggers again, this time towards him to grasp his shoulders.</p><p>‘We’re the only adults in the Avengers Initiative,’ he says, as if that isn’t perfectly wrong.</p><p>‘No,’ Tony says, putting a finger up, ‘One: Natashalie was born in eighty-four. Two: Bird-Brain was born in eighty-two.’ He breathes in, about to go on about Steve being a forties army recruit who would never have been admitted to a genetics program at anything less that eighteen <em>before </em>service and how Thor is literally a thousand year old alien, but Bruce shakes his head wildly.</p><p>‘No! No, Tony! They were just- they <em>lied,</em>’ Bruce says, practically hyperventilating. His skin tinges green, horrifying Tony, before his voice—his much deeper, much more grumbly voice—grounds out a, ‘We’re the only grown-ups.’</p><p>Tony actually takes off his face-shield, now.</p><p>‘Jarvis,’ he calls out, ‘What the heck is Green-Bean-Bruce talking about?’</p><p><em>‘Sir,’ </em>JARVIS says and god, even <em>he</em> sounds nervous. <em>‘Dr Banner is referring to the conversation your fellow teammates are having upstairs. Forgive me, but I have been running the probabilities and also checking multiple SHIELD and military bases and-’</em></p><p>‘And what?’ Tony can’t believe it himself, but he’s grabbing onto Bruce just as tightly as Bruce is grabbing onto him. Things are—frighteningly enough—starting to make sense. Why Natasha steals their clothes. Why Clint eats like a child. Why Thor can’t explain half of the universe he’s seen without diverting to war stories. Why Steve looks so damn cherubic when he smiles…</p><p>
  <em>‘And it seems that Clinton Francis Barton’s birth records have been sealed by the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. Likewise has a medical file been redacted from Miss Romanova’s original defection date. And unfortunately, Captain Rogers’ only digitised records are from Camp Lehigh, post-recruitment.’</em>
</p><p>Is that choking noise coming from him or Bruce?</p><p>‘How did this even come up in conversation?’ He asks his science buddy. Said science buddy screeches at him, which makes Tony screech back until Bruce lets him go to wring his own hands, whining.</p><p>‘They called me old! I said that Steve was older than me and he said he was nineteen. Then Thor asked how old that was in Asgardian years and Clint did the maths for him when he gave him this <em>insane</em> fucking number and it turns out: Steve is older than Thor in Earth years! Get this, Tony,’ Bruce stares into Tony’s soul, haunted, ‘Thor is <em>seventeen. </em>Loki is <em>even younger.’</em></p><p>That choking noise is <em>definitely </em>coming from Tony, because JARVIS is asking if he needs medical assistance.</p><p>Bruce doesn’t stop there. ‘And then,’ he says, eyes glowing green, ‘Natasha said she had seniority, because she was eighteen, then Clint made a joke about being a month older than her. <em>Eighteen years old, Tony!’</em></p><p>‘Oh god, I wanted to fuck her,’ Tony says, horrified. ‘She’s a child. A literal child- oh god, I’ve got to tell Pepper! We employed a minor!’</p><p>‘SHIELD recruited her,’ points out Bruce, before they both go quiet.</p><p>‘…they did, didn’t they?’ Tony whispers.</p><p>‘That’s it,’ Bruce announces, standing up straight, ‘The Avengers are no longer associated with SHIELD. Jarvis, tweet it on all the official Avengers accounts, like, yesterday.’</p><p>
  <em>‘Done, Dr Banner—however, I have taken the liberty in not backdating said announcement.’</em>
</p><p>‘Yeah, lets not do that,’ Tony agrees, trying not to throw up as he remembers fucking well <em>moaning</em> to Pepper about Thor’s arms one night. Then Bruce’s first words come back to him. ‘Fuck. We’re the only adults on the team.’</p><p>‘Except Steve.’</p><p>‘Fuck that, Steve does <em>not</em> count!’ Tony barks, before deleting any and all opinions on his team-mates’ bodies and personalities that would register as a paedo’s, now he has new information. He mutters to himself, ‘Kid can barely have alcohol…’</p><p>Bruce helpfully reminds him, ‘We know Steve can’t get drunk.’</p><p>Tony whimpers. ‘He’s a <em>baby.</em>’</p><p>‘He’ll resent that comment.’</p><p>‘Oh,’ scoffs the billionaire, glaring at his friend, ‘says the guy who came down here to say <em>we’re the only grown-ups on the team!’</em></p><p>Bruce pauses, then allows it. ‘Touché. So…what do we do?’</p><p>‘Remember that Baby-Monitor Protocol I’m working on for Underoos?’</p><p>For one single moment, Bruce stares at him. But then, suddenly laughing his ass off, he wheezes, ‘Natasha’s going to kill you.’</p><p>Braving the world and daring to hope, Tony replies, ‘I’ll take my chances.’</p>
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